Sonder

I am the center of my own reality. The experiences that I have, the thoughts that enter my head are the things that determine what reality is to me. Sometimes it escapes my comprehension that people can just go about their lives without realizing the things that are going on in my head. How can this test, this relationship, this breakup, or the plans I have for dinner be so central to all of my brain usage and the rest of the world doesn't give them a first thought, let alone a second one. How can the things that shape me so profoundly (well maybe not the dinner plans) have little to no impact on the people who pass me by. What could possibly be taking place in their cortices that warrants more attention than these world shaping thoughts and experiences.

sonder

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping 

coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as 

a lighted window at dusk. Source

People are the centers of their own realities. The experiences that they have, the thoughts that enter their heads are the things that determine what reality is to them. Sometimes it escapes their comprehension that I can just go about my life without realizing the things that are going on in their heads. How can this test, this relationship, this breakup, or the plans they have for dinner be so central to all of their brain usage and I don't give them a first thought, let alone a second one. How can the things that shape them so profoundly (well maybe not the dinner plans) have little to no impact on me, a person who passes them by. What could possibly be taking place in my cortices that warrants more attention than these world shaping thoughts and experiences.

Communication or The Importance of Being Honest

I always thought I was a great communicator. I am good at conveying sometimes difficult to understand information to groups of people (thank you Chemistry Education curriculum). I am good at talking. I talk to people all the time and have great conversations. However, I just learned that those things do not a good communicator make. I have discovered that one of the things I do that makes me fall short in communication is avoiding any conversation that can cause conflict or hurt feelings. Now, don't get me wrong; trying to not hurt people's feelings is not a fault by itself. That is actually a good thing. I think it is important to note that I think my relatively large ability to empathize with people is something that I really like about myself. Sometimes it can be an issue.

Let's talk a "for example" to see if I can express more clearly what is in my brain.

About two years ago (as many of you may have noticed) I fell off of the face of the earth. As I was coming to accept myself and my sexuality I thought it would be best for people to "remember the old Mark" that fit into their mold of goodness. I knew how hard it was for me to accept myself and I felt horrible guilt to force that situation on people. So I didn't. I ghosted. I moved and didn't tell anyone where. I wouldn't return calls or texts. I tried my best to disappear.

(Let's pause and be clear that this decision wasn't meant to be malicious. I think that it was done, honestly, out of love for people in my life that I really didn't want to hurt.)

The above situation is not one that a "good communicator" would choose. Communication - 1 Mark - 0

It has been a huge boon for this issue of communication to be on the forefront of my mind. It has been giving me huge amounts of time to reflect on the parts of my personality that still need to be polished. I'm in the process of maintaining my ability to empathize and feel deeply, while balancing it against the need to be me and the need to be honest with those that are close to me. I'm learning that I cannot be the caretaker of all people's feelings in the world. I will continue to do my best assuage the discomforts of those around me, but I'll do it without sacrificing my stability. And I will do it with honesty and communication.

All that is Gold Does Not Glitter

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light form the shadows  shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

This poem entitled "The Riddle of Strider" or "All that is Gold Does Not Glitter," is my single favorite poem from the Lord of the Rings universe (or the whole universe for that matter). It portrays power and confidence. It encourages an unyielding view towards life's challenges. But, most importantly, it teaches us to be careful and prudent in our judgments. While the whole poem causes me to geek out beyond belief (let's pretend I don't type this poem (from memory) into different speech recognition software on the internet to hear the epicness in voices way cooler than my own), I want to focus on the first two lines of the first stanza.

All that is Gold Does Not Glitter - Sometimes people think they are quoting Tolkien when they say, "All that glitters is not gold." Fortunately, they are not. They are quoting an old proverb popularized by Shakespeare's play The Merchant of Venice. Shakespeare's proverb means that not everything that is appealing to you is worth your time (or something to that effect). I think Tolkien's diametrically contrasting thought is more useful and much more poignant. Think of it:

Not everything that is worth your time will appear attractive to you at first. The hard things in life don't look that appealing. The people that are easily written off as weird or strange or crass can turn out to be the most important and influential people in your life. The good that lies in a person can only be seen after we disregard the flaws that draw our attention initially. Every person, no matter their lifestyle, deserves our respect and love.

This is apparent in the canon of The Lord of the Rings. The subject of this poem is Aragorn. A man with no apparent beauty, a rough face and (for all of you BYU students right now) a beard. He could have easily been written off as the scum of Middle-earth. He is an example of gold that did NOT glitter. Little did the people know who passed him on The Great Road in Arnor, that he was Elessar, the rightful King of Gondor. Little did they know that he was the wielder of Andúril, the Flame of the West, the very blade that cut the ring from the Dark Lord Sauron's hand. Little did they know that he would be the first person to unite the sister kingdoms of Arnor and Gondor in an Age.

Little can we know the trials and struggles of those we meet each day. Little can we know the potential that each person we see possesses. Little can we know the gold that lies beneath someone's outward appearance. If that is true, what right have we to pass judgment on our fellow travelers in this life?

Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost - Similarly, this phrase also indicates that Aragorn is more than meets the eye. It gives us more to think about, specifically concerning theactions of the people around us. Allow me to add the following commentary: If someone is currently not living their life the way that you are living yours, that doesn't mean that they are lost and sad and miserable. They are not pining for your correction, counsel and guidance. They have their own goals and hopes and dreams. They are doing their best, making sense of life one day at a time. Though their path, to you, may seem jagged and unguided, you can be assured that they are trying their damnedest to move forward.

Aragorn's path led him from the field where his father lay dying, struck down by orcs. It led him to Rivendell to be reared by the elves. It led him to take charge of the Dúnedain rangers in protecting the free peoples of the North. It led him to guard and protect a small hobbit through a perilous journey on which the balance of the world depended. It led him to become the greatest leader (besides Gandalf of course) that Middle-earth had ever seen.

Aragorn's example in these situations are paramount to our understanding of those around us. Remember the wise counsel that Gandalf gave: "Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends."


TL;DR - Don't judge people before you get to know them. Gandalf, Aragorn and JRR Tolkien say so.